This past fall my wife volunteered me to write an essay on being a grandpa for a local organization, so I did...
Almost ten years ago I was walking
down an elementary school hallway at the end of the day with my granddaughter,
who was in first grade. She spied a girl twice her size, deep in thought,
coming towards us and darted through the oncoming traffic to deliver a big hug,
exclaiming “my reading buddy!” I heard her fourth grade partner’s lips murmur
“if it isn’t the little girl with the big heart.” That same granddaughter
called me yesterday to chat about some after school clubs she just discovered
on her first day in a new town, in a new school, in tenth grade, hundreds of
miles away from me. I don’t get to see her each day anymore, but, a few weeks
ago one of her close friends was stunned when, visiting and after listening in
on the third phone call in a few hours asked, "How often do you talk with
your grandpa," and got the reply, "pretty much every day!" So
the question comes to mind, why am I so blessed?
There are many ways to be a
grandparent- whether you live down the street, across the state or across the
country or world.
Some of us are grandparents who like
to get on the floor, sing songs, and help with homework, some of us are
grandparents who just revel in hearing stories how the grandkids are growing.
We all love our grandkids and show it in different ways.
For those of us who are lucky enough
to be involved in the daily chores of being with grandchildren, how is this
different from your own child rearing days?
Time:
Make it count.
It takes time to be a grandparent,
the quality more important than the quantity, though quantity does matter. An hour here. An afternoon there. A
whole day sometimes. An early morning when they sleep over. You’ll get back
that time with hugs, kisses, and conversations. Sometimes you get it back the
same day; often you get it back years later.
It's not a whole lot different from when
you raised your own kids. You're not a lot wiser. Maybe a little. Maybe a
little less worried, a little more settled. But pretty much the same. What you
may have more of than when you were younger is time. For the first four years
of my oldest granddaughter’s school life, it was grandpa picking her up at the
end of each day and taking her home for snack and the evening routine. My job
had more flexibility than my daughter’s, so I got to do the pick-ups. Nothing
elaborate. Just the daily ebb and flow. If the stars align and you're nearby
and see the kids every day, the dividends will compound exponentially. If
you're not nearby, but can still see the kids on a regular basis via the
computer or video phone or plain old telephone, those same dividends grow. You
get invited into the daily humdrum stuff that is so intimate and
heart-warming....the skinned knee, the new friend, the latest movie, the history
test, the math problem....the list goes on and on.
Whatever time you do spend with your
grandchildren- make it count- be intentional, be present with the moments you
have. Listen to their stories, take a walk in the park, look at the rain drop
in the puddle, share an ice cream cone together.
Boundaries:
Be respectful
Boundaries are important, and
probably new. You spent twenty or thirty years raising your kids and by this
time you know it all, so it will seem strange to abide by your kids’ rules, if
they aren’t the same as yours. But early on my wife advised me boundaries are
key to this parent-grandparent partnership. There is clearly more than one way
to put a child to bed, feed her, teach her to read, help her share with her
siblings and friends, etc. This time round your grown children’s rules are the
law. If they ask you for your thoughts, go for it. If they don’t, silence is
usually better than unsolicited advice. Tact and respect go a long way. When in
doubt, ask the parents.
Humility:
We’re never too old to learn from our grandchildren.
If there’s one thing I know better
as a grandparent than I did as a parent, other than that my bones ache a lot
more, it’s that I’m not nearly as smart as I once thought I was. While that
in itself is wisdom, though only
recently acquired, I notice it still doesn’t translate to best practices in
child rearing. When my three year old granddaughter tries to crush her one year
old sister, I still find myself hollering, “don’t squeeze your sister,” rather
than wisely (and quietly) modelling compassionate behavior with some logical
consequences, as my wife has so frequently demonstrated. I’m not the gifted
teacher who has seventeen different ways to keep toddlers busy or who can
inspire her students to study when they don’t want to. If that wasn’t clear to
me thirty years ago, it certainly is now. Now I say “I don’t know” a lot more,
and I just listen more. And for whatever reason, the kids like to see me. Humility
helps. If you respect boundaries, you’re already on board with your
grandchildren’s parents. But humility is especially cool with the grandkids.
The kids love honesty. I think they like to hug it. So when they say,
"Don't be mean grandpa," if I snap at them for some reason clear as
day to me and no one else, it makes me laugh in a way I don't remember doing
thirty years ago when my own children were children. The little ones see life
simply and clearly, with none of the subterfuge or nuances that arrive with
age. If they detect a harsh tone of voice, and they know you love them, they’ll
speak right up, look at you quizzically, and then curl up in your arms. It’s
really quite delicious.
Time, boundaries, humility, love…. bring
them to your grandchildren and enjoy.
